User talk:Kaithekitten
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the User:Kaithekitten page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! Jay ten (talk) 00:14, August 24, 2015 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:55, October 1, 2015 (UTC) Re: Story That's the issue with grammar checkers. They miss a lot and can't really advise you on a story's plot. Capitalization issues: "“I know. Come, we can find out together.” It (it) said.", "Two Hours (hours) Earlier (earlier)...", "Yeah, I know mommy loves me.” She (she) said nonchalantly.", etc. Wording issues: "I recoiled myself (Redundant as I recoil already implies the protagonist) and stayed silent.", "After about 20 minutes we had arrived to (at) the hospital and I carried Lillian in my arms and (avoid using 'and' twice, especially when giving an action of three.) walked into the building.", "When we were in the building(comma missing) the nurse immediately released her laptop causing it to break impact (on impact?).", etc. You shift tenses between past tense and present tense as well. " He (he) said then patting (patted) me on the back.", "He (he) said placing his finger up in reassurance." Punctuation issues: Commas missing where a pause is implied in sentence structure. "In our short ride through the elevator(,) Lillian began mumbling phrases which I mistook for baby speech." (other examples present elsewhere.) Colons missing from speech continued on other lines (see below) Formatting issues: "The creature then grew a bulging cherry colored eye and asked, “Where is Lillian? Do you know where she is? Because I do.” (Should be on the same line unless you were intending to use a colon.)" Story issues: the dialogue is really awkward at times. "“Mommy is a moron aren’t you, mommy? I hate to be trite, but bye-bye." It felt like you were trying to go for a more emotional ending with the intro and outdo "“But she’s gone.” I said finally being consumed by the veracious goop.", but this really needs work as there isn't any real interaction between the two that gives the readers a sense of a strong relationship. Additionally the havoc caused by the infection needs more detail if you're looking for it to be effective. As it stands, the second half feels rushed and the first really doesn't build-up at all to the ending. Those were a few of the issues present, I would suggest taking your next story to the writer's workshop (see link above) as there are a lot of overlooked issues here. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:35, October 2, 2015 (UTC) Your Talk Page Please do not remove messages from your talk page, especially warnings. Your talk page serves as a public record of what has been said to you, as well as being an easy way for us to keep track of infractions. If you choose to clear messages from your talk page again, you will be blocked from editing for one day. | creepypasta.wikia.com | I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! | [[User:Underscorre|'Under']][[User talk:Underscorre|'Scorre']] }} 20:04, October 3, 2015 (UTC)